


Never a Dull Moment

by mimbulusmimbletonia (nev_longbottom)



Category: DCU - Comicverse, Smallville, Superboy (Comic), Teen Titans (Comics)
Genre: A comedy, Dysfunctional Family, F/F, F/M, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Multi, Polyamorous Relationships, Wakes & Funerals, crackfic, self indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-27
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2017-10-31 19:36:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/347643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nev_longbottom/pseuds/mimbulusmimbletonia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>crackfic! Kon El spends his senior year in Metropolis under the custody of his Uncle Lucas Luthor.  He expected torture and evil schemes. Instead, Kon got a private school education and family dinners at strip clubs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Funeral

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crack fic originally written in Not!Fic! form during the summer of 2011. It started with me emailing a friend going, "Dude, I bet if Lucas had custody of Superboy it would be hilarious. Everyone would be expecting nefarious evil schemes despite Kon insisting that Lucas is Coke Zero of Luthors." There dozens of cameos, lots of jokes from other T-Shows, and a lot of awkward family shenanigans. Also, no plot whatsoever. None. You were warned.

Kon skipped the funeral. Clark went though. He stopped by the farm before the service to make sure Kon would watch the event on TV before super speeding back towards Metropolis. It took three hours for the entire event to go down on TV. The newscasters kept name dropping the celebrities and the cameras zoomed in shamelessly on the heaving cleavage of Luthor's ex-wives. 

Pa Kent couldn't manage to be in the room more than five minutes before he walked out, muttering about equipment repair. When Ms. Lang stepped up to the casket, Pa dropped a wrench on his foot and Ma Kent had to drag him over to the first aid kit. 

It was an open casket. The camera zoomed in on Luthor's face, rigor mortis leaving Luthor with an annoyed expression that the morticians hadn't quite managed to relax. Kon wasn't surprised but he wasn't upset either. He wasn't sure how to feel about it.

Luthor had brainwashed him, kidnapped him, and been a generally really evil guy. Not Joker evil or anything, Kon understood the difference, but there had been an inhuman coldness settled in Luthor that freaked him out. 

Kon wouldn't have believed that Luthor could die at all if he hadn't seen it happen.

At the last minute, it had been Luthor in robot suit looking suspiciously like a Gundam that had pushed Kon out of the way of a killing blow. Kon had been too shocked and injured to stop him, to do anything other than sit next to Luthor while he said his final words.

Kon watched the body go cold and empty until Batman had carried him away, and he wondered for the first time if maybe, for once, Kon had gotten everything wrong.

Kon turned off the TV while the body was being lowered into a burial plot. He changed into his Superboy uniform, throwing on his insignia t-shirt over his tank top and jeans. 

He didn't have the stomach to go to the funeral, but there was no way he was going to miss the reading of Luthor's will. Especially when Luthor's body guard had turned up to the Teen Titans tower herself to deliver the request.

***


	2. The Will

Downtown Metropolis was home for Kon in the way the farm could never be. He loved big cities the way Tim loved crime fighting or Clark loved moral superiority. Even the Luthor Corp tower was beautiful twice a day, the sunrise and sunset reflecting off its windows. 

He loved the smell of fresh cooking hotdogs by the parks, the laughter peeling out in over a dozen languages, and the middle school tweenies trying to skip class to argue the merits of Jacob and Edward. Kon loved the way the grocery store alcoves make a perfect rain cover, and tiny newstands carry tabloids theorizing Batman as Starfire's mutant twin sister. Best of all, he loved the way he could fly. At the farm there were just too many neighbors with telescopes (Fordham's third best selling item), but in Metropolis Kon could go up in the air and feel impossibly free. 

He loved best the way most Metropolans acted like they saw Superheroes every day and never swarmed him the way he used to get in Hawaii. The jazzed sensibilities of the city's citizens meant even when Kon landed down from fighting evil robots from space, Vinnie still gave him a dirty look if he didn't pay for his Metropolis deep dish slice with exact change.

Today though, he didn't stop for pizza when he landed at the park on fifth. He straightened his blazer, damp from the heavy cloud cover, and made his way past the Museum and around the 4th Avenue theater to 1433 4th Avenue, third floor, room 12.

The space was more of an amphitheater than a room. A dozen members of the press sat against the far wall, including Lois and Clark, who looked fuming behind his clunky black glasses and 50 yards of plaid. Lois, waved his hand over to the four rows up front. Kon saw an open space between Luthor's former body guards Mercy and Hope with a small, carefully labeled card reading "Reserved for Kon-El." When he turned around to scan the room, he had to bite himself to keep from laughing out loud. There was an entire row just for Luthor's ex-wives and half a dozen city correctional officers for the ones who hadn't finished their sentences. Ms. Lang was one of three who sat in the row without an orange jumpsuit.

Hope smacked the back of Kon's head. "Ow," he whined but he turned around to face front. Lucas Luthor, front row far left, alternated between looking like a kid on Christmas morning and looking like the kid who had been given a gift certificate to a health foods store. Other than that, the room was filled with CEOs, wealthy socialites, Luthor Corp investors, and in one corner, to Kon's suprise, Jennifer Mendosa from Metropolis child services, who had done everything to try and take Kon out of Cadmus custody in the early days, before hefty donations from Lionel Luthor had her fired.

A couple minutes after sitting down, half a dozen suits came in through the side door. Their own security task force, armed to the teeth with weaponry and though he couldn't see it, Kon could tell by the slight waves of fatigue and nausia that they had Kryptonite.

"Before we begin, I'd like to offer my sincere condolences to everyone here today. My name is Laurence Zhang, I am Mr. Luthor's attorney as well as the executor of his will. It was Mr. Luthor's bequest that we gather everyone before mailing out copies. Due to the size of the estate, the distributing work has been delegated between my team and myself." Mr. Zhang's professionalism wavered slightly, sadness creeping in. "This is the abbreviated version that Luthor requested we read aloud."

"To my boarding school friends..." Kon tuned him out. After the eighth painfully manicured person in the room burst into tears, he stopped keeping count. He even dozen off for a bit until he felt a vicious pinch in his side.

Kon jerked awake to a look of disgust from Mercy and the sound of the executor reading Clark's name.

" and Lois Lane, the investigative reporters that have paid such special attention to my career, I leave my favorite board game, Clue. In addition to the game, I leave to Lois Lane my entire collection of Kryptonite, to use as she sees fit."

Kon heard Lois' blackberry hit the floor before he could turn around to look at them in the back. Lois looked stunned, not in a good way and Clark motioned for Kon to turn back towards the front.

"To Mercy and Hope, I leave twenty million of my liquid assets each under the condition you both continue your work protecting my heir."

Lucas, who had been keeping a running commentary to himself the entire time, crowed out in triumph. "Yes! I got the hot chick bodyguards." Mercy's arm immediately reached behind Kon's seat and curled protectively around his shoulders. He didn't blame her for the reach around. Kon wouldn't have wanted to work for that douche either.

Mr Zhang frowned, "Are you quite done Mr. Luthor with your inappropriate display?"

Lucas grinned, throwing up a hand as if to wave off everyone's disapproval. "I'm good. Go ahead and crown me King of Metropolis."

"God help us," muttered Kon. The corner of Hope's mouth twitched violently, as if she were trying to smile and she pat Kon on the knee. "Don't worry, it's not him," she whispered.

Before Kon could even process that information (or even the idea that Mercy and Hope are capable of speech!), Mr. Zhang goes on, "...and to my biological son and heir, Kon-El, I leave LuthorCorp as well as the remainder of assets, and my collection of Warrior Angel memorabilia. As Kon-El has no yet reached maturity, I name my brother, Lucas Luthor, as his guardian under the condition he take full-custody immediately. I respectfully request Ms. Mendosa to keep a close watch on my son to make sure he receives the proper care and education he needs. Kon is to receive his share in full upon reaching Kryptonian maturity at 23 years of age." Mr. Zhang paused briefly. "If you have any questions, please ask a member of my team."

Nearly everyone immediately started shouting.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kon and Lucas meet and I blatantly disregard canon timelines.

In the crowd, Kon was separated quickly. He had shown up in his Titan clothes, sitting a good distance from Clark, and in the mob he regretted it. It was almost like a homing beacon, the reporters swarmed him and he couldn't use his powers without injuring someone.

Mercy and Hope stood up with him, pushing reporters aside until they could reach the double doors at the end of the hallway and even then, with additional reporters posted out the building, Kon didn't put up a fight when they hustled him into a limo.

Lex had left him LuthorCorp. Kon was now the owner of corporate evil. The worst of it anyway, he had his suspicions about Apple. 

He owned LuthorCorp. God, he'd never be able to look Batman in the face without feeling guilty for being associated with it. He wished he could send a message to anyone, but as of ten minutes ago, his entire identity was going to be under so much scrutiny, he'd never be able to even think of texting Tim or Cassie. He'd have to wait until he could get his hands on his Titan communicator or the old burner Tim gave him back when they were still Young Justice.

Lucas let himself into the back seat of the same limo and before Kon could try and get out the other door, Mercy and Hope came in from eitherr side and signaled the driver in unison. Kon was trapped.

"Do you mind if I leave through the sunroof?" Kon asked. 

Lucas, if he remembered right, was kind of the Diet Sprite of Luthor. He wasn't really evil so much as really bad at being a criminal. Half a dozen middling corporation of his own right and a right stack of gambling debts but Lucas has never tried to kill Superman and that was practically a Luthor family tradition.

The closest thing Kon could remember, was when he hired forty strippers to crash Lex Luthor's inaugural address at the White House to throw Lex off his speech. It didn't work but it was totally awesome.

Lucas sighed. "It's booby trapped with some kind of krytonite laser system. Apparently there's a voice activation code." He tapped his fingers against the handle. "You know how Lex loved his codes." 

"Oh," Kon said, watching as the limo drove steady through the Metropolis traffic. "We knew about his thing for lasers."

Lucas laughed. "Lasers, Brandy, and Superman, but you'd know all about that. Lex didn't even tell me you were his kid."

He didn't tell me either, Kon thought, and it wasn't until he saw Lucas throw back his head to laugh that he realized he said it out loud. 

Lucas laughed as he opened the bar cabinet built into the side of the mini-stretch. "Can I offer you some cocaine?" He opened a thin vial and spilled a line on to his arm. 

"Dude, I'm a superhero," Kon said. "I can't do cocaine in the back of a limo."

"Not with that attitude." Lucas shrugged. "Suit yourself."

Kon looked away while he heard the inhale. He couldn't help but wonder if this was a Luthor thing. Drugs. He made a list once. He wanted to see if he shared anything good with Superman or Luthor. He wanted to see if there was any thread of family there. Anything at all. Mostly, when he looked at them, he saw the worst of what he could become and the best of what he'd never be.

"I'm just gonna-" Kon started, pushing at the door until it popped open with an ugly screech that meant he had probably broken the locks. Lucas gave him a cheery wave as he jumped out.

**

Clark was waiting for him in the barn when Kon got back. The run from Metropolis to Smallville only took a couple minutes but if felt impossibly long, even with Krypto showing up half way to run with him.

He stopped at the end of the driveway, looking back and forth between the barn and the house. Ma and Pa were in the kitchen, cooking together and laughing. Clark's heartbeat came from the barn loft, probably waiting on the old beat up sofa, older than even Clark. He thought about going to to talk to Clark, but instead went into the house and curled up in his bed. From there it wasn't too difficult to pull out his Titans communicator and turn it on.

"This is Superboy. Consider me off active duty and no unsecure communication. It's umm, it's on the news. Superboy out."

He turned the communicator off and checked his phone, his real cell line, the one he got out in Hawaii as an apology from Roxie. A missed call from Ms Mendoza, a shit ton of missed calls from reporters, half a dozen texts from an unlisted number that was probably Tim, and a missed call from Cassie. 

He turned glanced through the messeges and turned it off. He laid down for a nap instead.

He woke up a few hours later to a persistent knock at the door.

"Conner?" Clark's voice made Kon roll over in bed. He was so not up for Clark usual brand of emotional constipation. "Conner, the League received a call from your social worker just after the trial. She says Hope and Lucas are coming to pick you up some time this week."

Kon sat up and yanked the door open with his TTK. "What?"

The door swung open, creaking a little on its hinges. Kon was supposed to have oiled it a week ago.

Clark stood there, pale with traces of an old anger in the edges of his face. "Lucas has to actually have custody of you to be your guardian. He's insisting that we have to turn you over. He has the courts on his side. The Justice League can't hide you away without become fugitives ourselves. We're fighting this Kon. We're doing everything we can to fight this."

Kon used his TK to wrap his comforter around him. Everything felt so much colder. "That-" His voice cracked. "That really sucks Clark."

Clark stepped into the room and cautiously sat down on the edge of the bed. "I won't lie to you. It's bad."

"How bad?" Kon asked, turning away from Clark. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear it but he knew he needed to.

"He's saying that the will's explicit age requirement is for you to actually reach twenty seven years of life rather than approximately twenty seven biological years."

Kon felt like the world dropped out from under him. 

"Clark,” Kon said helplessly, “I'm only three. I've only been out of Cadmus for three years." 

Clark said something else but Kon didn’t listen. He saw his future slowly collapsing in on itself. No more weekends with the Titans. No more Sunday dinners with Ma and Pa. Lazy days after school playing fetch with Krypto. It was all gone. He would get locked away where ever Luthor was locking up his science experiments.

“I have to run away,” Kon said. He felt numb. 

“No.” 

Kon looked up. In his bedroom doorway stood Mercy, Lex’s former body guard, with a deep scowl and a holstered gun.

“You are not missing school,” she said, scowling fiercly at Kon.

Clark pulled off his glasses, a subtle shift going through his body language that showed the change to Superman. “Get out of my house,” Clark said, slowly standing up to loom over her.

Mercy didn’t even blink, she just shifted her scowl to Clark. “No.”

Clark took a step further until they were only a few inches apart. “Mercy.”

She cross her arms. “Clark,” she snapped back.

“Tess,” Clark hissed, crossing his arms as well.”

“Streak” Mercy’s scowl shifted into a smirk.

“I-” Clark flustered. “Okay.”

Kon looked back and forth between them slowly. What just happened?

Mercy pushed Clark aside and looked over Kon with a quick assessing gage. “Hn. Lex left me to you in his will. I’m going to be your bodyguard until this blows over. I’m here to protect you from threats, including your own stupidity. I’ve been texting Hope. She’s on Lucas’ detail. According to her, Lucas is going to pick up in a couple days. Maybe even tomorrow if he’s desperate. You should start packing things you won’t miss.” 

“I’m not going with him,” Kon hissed. His TK reacted wildly, lifting his bed and everything on it into the air. 

Mercy didn’t even blink. “If you try to skip school, I’ll taze you. If Lucas tries to hurt you in any way, I’ll taze him. If Clark tries to interfere in any of this, I’ll taze him.”

Kon dropped the bed.

“Finish your essay for Government. I’m going to update Lex’s bugs.” Mercy slipped out the room with the same ruthless efficiency she used to come in.

Clark sighed and put his glasses back on. “I’m going to go update the League. I didn’t think Mercy would be on our side in this.”

“That’s on our side?” Kon aid, voice rising with notes of hysteria. “How did she know about my essay?”

“Just try and stay calm through this.” Clark gave Kon a quick tight hug and left, closing the door carefully behind him.

Kon flopped backward on his bed and reached for his phone to text Tim.

bruh, he typed. call me back when u get this.


End file.
